over it

I am over trying to act all happy like 'yeeea look at me im sophie. just sophie. theres noone else in my life. its just me now. but hey thats life and im algood with it!!!!!' when really i'm not!!.im over faking a smile.having to laugh when really all i want to do is run away and cry.. that yuck feeling, the chest one..the sick upset feeling. feels like you have a million litres of tears inside you just wanting to come out. that is what i feel all the time. ever since the 2nd of July i have felt that. and yes i have cried. more than three times a day. but still the feeling wont go away..'time heals everything' maybe i don't want time to heal everything. maybe i just want it healed now cause i can't stand feeling like this and then seeing you with that big grin on your face...kinda makes me want to punch you so so hard that you cry. i'm over trying to pretend now.. i think being real with myself is the best thing to do right now..acting will only make things harder and go on for longer. i really don't want to move on. and i don't know how to start and what to do..but i guess i have to. unfortunately. i hate the 2nd of July.